1. Make you feel better about yourself, dipshit.
2. Make you forget about things, like that Hungry Man meal you left in the oven six hours ago.
3. Intimidate people around you when you order it in a bar straight (ordering Dave Casper straight has never intimidated anyone, just confused them).
4. Make every woman within forty feet of you look better.
5. Cure sobriety (although that one may have to be measured at a molecular level when comparing to Dave Casper to tell any real difference).
6. Make you instantly fluent in Bourbonese (see caveat on item 5).
7. Provide you with a near-insatiable desire to wear fancy clothes while riding horseback through town muttering something about bad crops.
8. Donate generously to the Sons of the Confederacy.
9. Wear a string bowtie.
10. Randomly sheer sheep (Dave Casper could not make anyone do that, while copious amounts of bourbon make just about anyone open to the idea).
11. ThriiGiIbiggleplex! Yeah! You!!