Well, I've just about had enough of this

This one is mostly for the guys, but from some conversations with women, I'm starting to think it applies to both sexes (save for the urinal part, of course).

When you walk into a public restroom, there's a generally accepted unwritten rule (and now that I'm putting it into writing, we can get rid of that whole confusing unwritten part) that you are to use the facility furthest from the entrance.

In the event you enter the restroom, and that facility is already in use, you should use the one furthest from it.

Now, should you enter the lavatory to find both of the above available facilities occupied, there really is only one option:

You hold it.

Sure, it seems a bit harsh, but that's just how life is. The planets were in alignment for two other people and nature just dealt you a bad hand. But really, though, it isn't all that bad. If you're old enough to be going to the bathroom without adult supervision, than you should be old enough to hold it until a socially acceptable receptacle is available. If that's some sort of problem, you may wish to consider adult diapers.

Keeping all this in mind, it should go without saying, and I must emphasize should because here I am saying it anyway, that under no circumstances whatsoever should you enter an empty restroom and go directly for the facility that would make all others unavailable.

This is a HUGE no-no. You are now a potty-blocker. And the only thing worse than a potty-blocker, is a potty-leech.

See, the potty-leech is the person who, upon entering a restroom, completely violates the above stated rules for which facility to use when another is already in use and sidles right on up next to a person who was up until that moment quietly expunging the evidence of whatever was recently consumed. And for some strange reason, not only does the potty-leech ignore societal norms regarding water closet proximity, but he also displays a profoundly odd desire to engage in conversation as he does so.

I'm not sure what this person's deal is. Maybe he's lonely and figures the only way some level of human contact and interaction can be achieved by cornering another person while they're in one of their most vulnerable positions. Perhaps this is the same person who never quite grasped the concept of personal space and always talks too closely to you. Or, heaven forbid, it's some Craigish fetish which could never be satisfied with a willing counterpart. I don't know. I don't really want to know. I just want it to stop.

If you haven't guessed by now, I've been dealing with a couple of folks in my office who pull this on a regular basis. And if it doesn't seem too horrible that they do it at a urinal, consider how uncomfortable it is when they do the exact same thing with a stall. Sure, that thin wall and locked door may seem like a world of difference, but keep that whole vulnerability thing in mind. And even if I never see a foot slide underneath the shared wall, I still don't particularly care to be that close to someone who entered a men's room, saw two open stalls, and decided that the one right next to the other guy is the best one to take.

So here's a plea to all the men out there who may be reading this, and all the women who managed to get past the first urinal graphic: For the love of all that's holy, please, PLEASE, I beg of you, let every man you know how wrong this is! Friends don't let friends be potty-leeches!

And if nobody's listening, well, then, I guess the next time it happens, I'll just have to pee on him.


Dave said...

I whole-heartedly agree Dave. My question is: what if there are those walls between the urinals? Can you take the middle urinal if the outer two are occupied (assuming of course there is no conversation)?

Pete Fanning said...

Completely funny post Dave....years ago a coworker passed around a link to a "Urinal Etiquette"...a humorous test to see if one could pass various decisions on which was the correct "urinal" to use in various occupied situations. I found that test again online here......

Diesel said...

A urinal is a private sanctuary, and should be respected. Civilization depends on it.

Anonymous said...

This is a generational thing. Us old timer just whip it out in any old stall as we were not raised to be Hollywood wannabes. Case in point. The old Comiskey Park in Chicago. The "urinals" were 10 foot long tubs with water running down the middle. Everyone would circle around between innings then get back to the game. As for conversation I would usually ask someone across from me if this is where the dicks hang out.