How to run a new restaurant the bad way

1. Don't put anyone at the door to greet diners or show them to their seats. People love walking into a restaurant for the first time, being confused and having to ask around as to whether or not they should just seat themselves.

2. Have your bartender tell diners to sit wherever they'd like even though servers are under the impression that someone is seating them and providing them with menus.

3. Have your servers remain in the kitchen whenever they aren't directly interacting with diners. This assures they will remain blissfully unaware of new customers seating themselves in their section, especially when nobody else working in the restaurant thinks it prudent to let the server know he has a new table. Customers will love the look of surprise on the server's face when he first realizes he has people at a table.

4. If you're out of one of the main ingredients in a dish, don't let the server know this so he can then ask the customer if he or she would like something else. Simply make the dish with the remaining ingredients and serve it to the customer, putting the server in the position of setting a dish in front of a diner and saying, "sorry, but we're out of portabella mushrooms for your portabella mushroom and polenta entree."

5. Warm refried beans are cliche. Why not serve them cold? Even room temperature is too hot. No sense in half-assing failure!

6. It's awfully presumptuous of people to think there's going to be chicken in the chicken taco. Now that they're dining in your establishment you have the opportunity to teach them that life is a harsh bitch full of utter disappointment. But it is not, I repeat, IS NOT, full of chicken.

7. If you're the owner or manager of a restaurant and a diner asks to speak to you, hide! There's no law saying you ever have to interact with the people supporting your business (or, at least, trying to), even if they can see you're hiding behind a corner talking to the server who's desperately trying to get you to come out and pacify the now very upset diners.

Note: The server was tipped even though we walked out without eating the food (much less paying for anything). And I won't name names now because the food actually looked pretty good and I'm willing to give this place a second chance. That's why I wanted to talk to the owner/manager and be convinced I should give it another shot.

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