Some problems are universal

Coruscant. The Imperial Palace. Inside the Emperor's chambers, Emperor Palpatine catches up on the most recent issue of Vanity Sith when his intercom buzzes.


Emperor Palpatine: Yesssssssss?

Secretary: Emperor Palpatine, there's a Princess Leia Organa on line one for you.

EP: Who?

S: Princess Leia Organa, formerly of Alderaan, currently of the Rebel Alliance. She says she would like to speak to you regarding the the state of Imperial affairs.

EP: What? Tell her I'm out!

S: She's very persistent sir. This is the fifth time she's called today.

EP: Very well, put her through.

S: Yes sir. Go ahead Princess Leia.

Princess Leia: Thank you. Emperor Palpatine, this is Princess Leia of the Rebel Alliance.

EP: Ahem...yes...um...well...Soon you shall bow down before the mighty power of the Galactic Empire! Your puny alliance is no match for our legions of Stormtroopers. The Sith lords shall triumph with ease against your hopeless insurrection. Soon, a new Death Star will be fully operat...

PL: Yes, yes. I know all that. Let's not waste time here. Look, I'm calling to talk to you about something you and I both know is inevitable.

EP: Your defeat?

PL: Very funny. No, grapeface, I'm talking about your death.

EP: Of all the impertinent...

PL: Save me the dramatics, grandpa. We all know that you're no Yoda, and your time will soon be up. When that day comes, I hope you've given some consideration to a successor.

EP: Well, to be quite honest, I have. But frankly, I can't see why it's any concern of yours.

PL: It is my concern because, like it or not, we all have to live with the Empire.

EP: Seems to me you don't like it, and you're trying to live against it. I have several wrecked star destroyers and a small piece of metal my aides tell me is the only remnant of the first Death Star to attest to that.

PL: Nevertheless, I think the opinion of the Rebel Alliance would matter to you when deciding on who the next Emperor should be.

EP: No. Not really. Can't say that it does one bit, now that I think about it.

PL: Well, may I ask who you're planning on naming?

EP: Like I said, Princess, I can't see how it's any of your concern, but I also don't see how it would hurt to tell you who it would be. In fact, it should be quite obvious to anyone who's paying attention. Darth Vader. Duh.

PL: Oh my. That would be just horrible.

EP: Horrible? He's been with me since day one! I've been molding him for this job going on twenty years!

PL: Yes, but have you considered how that would be for my people?

EP: Again, you're losing me. Far as I can tell, you want nothing to do with the Empire, so I'm not too sure why I should give two poodoos about your opinion on the matter.

PL: Like I said, we all have to live with the Empire.

EP: Good. Then you can stop fighting against us, start paying your imperial tributes and maybe I'll take what you and your band of space scum want under consideration going forward.

PL: That's not going to happen. But I would like to suggest an alternative to Vader.

EP: Geez, lady, are you even listening to me?

PL: Luke Skywalker.

EP: Seriously, I don't care what you thi...wait...did you say Luke Skywalker?

PL: Yes.

EP: That little whiney bitch?

PL: Well I don't know where you heard that, but...

EP: Oh come on now! It's pretty much common knowledge! Every one of your people we take prisoner has told us how sick and tired they are of listening to his whining! Not only that, not too many are very happy with the fact that this farmboy from the Outer Rim with zero leadership experience is calling the shots now!

PL: He does give a very convincing speech to the other pilots...

EP: And, hey, isn't he the guy who blew up the Death Star? Why in the galaxy would I want someone who's blown up Imperial property to be my successor? That's just stupid!

PL: But it's what the Rebel Alliance wants!

EP: Which brings us back to the beginning! I don't care what the Rebel Alliance wants! This is my Empire! So while your certainly welcome to your opinion, I suggest you just keep it to yourself!

PL: How about Jar Jar Binks, then?


1 comment:

elliot said...

This is VERY funny. I just don't know what it means. :(