Things I think but never say

Y'know, there are stairs that go down one floor, too.

You work at Starbucks. It's a fast food joint. What makes you think you're so much better than the guy at Taco Bell?

It's a real shame you aren't close enough friends with anyone to be told you and spandex don't mix.

Why didn't you check the receipt of the black guy who was in front of me?

You got a word-a-day calendar for Christmas, didn't you?

No, I wasn't able to find everything I was looking for today. Where are your cheap, extremely attractive, disease-free hookers?

That time of the month, huh?

Your son screams like a little girl when I hear him playing outside. Just thought you'd like to know in case you want to put a stop to that now.

When I said "how you doin," I really didn't want an answer.

Ooooh...a romance novel with a handsome pirate and a half-dressed woman on the cover. Well, at least you can read.

Popped collar? A&F baseball cap? Designer jeans? Tennis shoes never worn for anything more physically demanding than slowly meandering through a bar with ten buddies dressed exactly the same as you? I think the universe is about to collapse under the weight of your combined douchebaggery.


tee bee said...

Given your shopping habits, your standards for reading material seem a bit high.

David Casper said...

My standards for reading material are just fine. It's my shopping habits that need work.

Dave Casper's Biggest Fan Evah! said...

Okay, I'm with you on the popped collar, but what's wrong with jeans and sneakers? Or bars for that matter? Non of that is nearly as douchey as, say, making a video explaining your girl problems and putting it on the internet.