Dear Mr. Pompous:

It's obvious by your bow-tie you think you're better than the rest of us. And if the way you walk around with your nose in the air and treat everyone serving you as nothing more than a lowly servant placed on this planet to meet your every whim just by the motion of your hand doesn't seal the deal, than surely how you enter a fine dining establishment and take whatever table you see fit without waiting to be seated does.

I apologize if I haven't shown you the deference you believe you so deserve. Of course, I'm in the restaurant as a patron and feel absolutely no reason to show you anything other than absolute scorn for the way you behave and interact with those around you. This might explain why I stare at you with a look of disgust on my face and display so little restraint as I openly describe your previous acts of jackassery to those I am with. This must chafe you to no end, as it goes against whatever ideal you've created in your feeble little mind as to how the world should bow in your presence.

But alas, I feel some sorrow for you as it seems you've fought a long struggle to prop yourself up on a pedestal of your own design yet have failed at some of the basic acts of snobbery you apparently hope to perfect. For instance, if you demand that your wine be served in a decanter, it is customary to allow the wine to breath for some period of time before pouring it into your glass and consuming it. Additionally, should you hope to appear a true connoisseur of the fermented grape, you might consider not putting up such a stink when wines on the reserve list aren't half-priced. It merely tarnishes your image to be so concerned over the price of something when aspiring to be better than everyone else.

I hope I have not been too forward in my correspondence with you. It's just that your pomposity is astounding, and I would hate to see you fail at that the way you have at being a tolerable human being.

Thank you for your attention.

PS - Everyone hates you.


Aaron said...

You forgot to close with "hugs and kisses."

Anonymous said...

So what's wrong with a bowtie?

David Casper said...

In general, nothing.

On this guy, everything.